Monday, December 31, 2007

30 Stars Seems Like A Bigger Landmark Than 2008 Years

Secret stars? No such thing! Or so I wish. Truth is, they’re really hard. And once again, we’ve avoided them, and are now riding around in a bubble to get pieces of a transport star. Koops has two pieces to go. Died two times now, I’m not looking forward to this. We three are the only ones left here now; apparently watching us play Galaxy isn’t the most thrilling thing ever. Oh great, Koops just used the transport star and there’s another bubble to get through. J_V and I are going to have a lot of fun with this.
Okay, J_V’s turn.

It being 1:30 AM of January 1, 2008, I feel the need to address yet another fallacy- New Years. As we three gamers were surrounded by New Years enthusiasts tonight, I became quite confused. Never have I felt that the dropping of some ball in New York represents nor brings me to discover any great change in my life. I don’t need Lifehosue to sing about Dick Clarke to be able to reflect on my life. And maybe I don’t want to. But all of our guests seemed obsessed with the event.
New Year’s is one of those packaged holidays like Valentine’s Day and Christmas. They’ve become so much the product of the capitalist system (ratings for tv, showcasing celebrity performances) when really there’s not that much to celebrate. Could it be that people have the need to feel that they’ve changed and progressed and that they have an opportunity to resolve for the better?
In any case, this game is being awesome.


Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement
Look at us, we’re making a statement

I'm a Chuckster. Yes, I Had Heard That

First 100 coin attempt on J_V, not going so hot. Secrets stars are difficult, as always. So I think that my last post was my 100th. Woo hoo. Once again, these stars are intensely long, which is at first frustrating, but then cool in retrospect. It now appears that every other star has to have a boss as opposed to evry star. Not quite as frustrating. I really like how there are only 3 bars of health, it makes experimenting around with crap a lot more dangerous.
So we actually have a significant posse here tonight. It feels weird, they’re all here to hang obviously, but all seem terrible bored/annoyed with our playing. Deal with it.
First Bowser level we think. Yep, there’s the man himself firing meteors. No issue though.
The battle itself is quite strange. You’re on a giant orb with several circular windows in it. Bowser tries to stomp you, and you have to get him to destroy the window and hit the lava beneath it. He then runs around with his tail on fire. You hit him at this point, and then again. Looks like my turn is coming.


No slapping, please.

Star Ball= Manta Ray Riding?

I hope not. I'd hate to be hindrance to the group again. I know that J_V had a small bit of trouble on the manta, and I ended up getting completely owned.

Yep, I got completely owned. Whatever. What the hell is a foibles?'re on a planet.

So J_V's Star Ball is apoparently the cosmic speed run against the Petey Pirhana reincarnate. I have faith however. Yep, he's got it.

Aww screw it, I'm going to bed.


What? I've been going for 12 hours!

Complaints from 30,000 Feet

A little sometrhing I wrote on the trip back.

I really hope we get transporter technology down to a science soon. I remember watching a Voyager in which Harry Kim references how he made the trip I’m making today (there and back, in fact) in a couple of hours. That’d be nice. It’s not really the 8 hours that bugs me, but the extreme discomfort of flying. Thus far my sleeping plan has failed; after sleeping 4 hours last night, I managed to pull off one hour on the plane before I became painfully awake. Planning to spend the majority of the flight in blissful unconsciousness, I requested the window seat, another of my mortal arch-rivals (along with Guitar Hero). The rationale was that I would never be awoken as people passed in and out, but now I find myself with a backfired plan. Crammed into the claustrophobia-inducing window seat for four hours now, I want nothing more than to walk around. However, one of my comrades has fallen asleep in the path of my exit. Great planning, OSK.
God, I hate how these seats recline. For some reason I’ve never been into the whole reclining on a plane thing, but you really realize how obnoxious it is, especially if you’re not a little guy. The girl in front of me just pushed back aggressively into my knees for the billionth time, and being the short-tempered Klingon I am, I gave her seat a sharp push of warning. I’m hoping it just seems to her like the seat has reclined to its max, not that some pissed-off guy is unleashing his wrath after four hours.
So plane seats suck. And the food…I was excited about the food. First time I was ever served a meal during a flight was the trip over for this vacation. The chicken was alright, the mini-pie quite good, the brownie spongie and dry. However, this meal was crap on top of crap.
Okay, I convinced a comrade to switch seats with me. This may seem mean, but their legs aren’t nearly as long as mine, so they should be fine.
So maybe I should stop being such a whiney little bitch. After all, it’s Zero Day, right?
I guess this is the part of the post where I completely change gears and talk about some other random crap that’s on my mind. I’ve noticed that’s sorta become my style recently- Gone are the days of planning posts out and giving them a definite purpose. Instead, they’re random collections of my thoughts from the day. Blogging probably makes me a worse English student actually, seeing as it regularly lets me practice bad habits of disorganized writing. But whatever, I like writing this better than I like writing organized crap.
Alright, I suppose I’ll change gears right now. I’ve always thought the worst type of blogging is the type that talks about blogging, save for a few exceptions. Bottom line- Air travel sucks and I’m a bad English student.
I don’t get it- I slept 4 hours and I can’t catch a wink of sleep on this motherfucker (Better, J_V?), but everyone who got 8-10 hours is out like a light? Such is the curse of my talent of avoiding sleep. I swear, one of these days I’m just not going to be able to sleep for days on end. Apparently teenage insomnia runs in the males of our family.

I guess flying isn’t that bad. I mean, hundreds of years ago people spent years crossing the ocean, only to spend their first 7 years in their new land as a slave of the captain who brought them over. I suppose I’ve got it a little better.

Roll right, rock hard. Actually not that great of a song, but I like how the phrase sounds.

Stop Genocide in Mushroom Kingdom

Great, secret stars. I’m really hoping these aren’t Sunshine-caliber secrets, as I’ve had enough random shines for a good while. Nice, new dome. Gotta say, the feeding of the big stars is somewhat stupid-looking. Basically everything involving plot in this game is kinda stupid. Except Rosalina.
Haha shock balls are back.

So I’ve worled up quite a star bit deficit, I should probably work on that. At this point I’m officially really into this game; it’s definitely got my attention.

The koopas on the ship are the saddest things I have ever seen. They look like the old guy’s dog in Family Guy. Maybe I’m doing them a favor by chucking them at my enemies, into a fiery, painful death.

They’re the new pink Yoshis.



Sunday, December 30, 2007

Bawls and Beeness

As has been pointed out, these stars are rather time consuming. It’s kinda cool, but at the same time they’re not particularly difficult, so it’s a bit annoying. But still cool. Now onto the bee suit. God, the bee suit. What’s with the bee suit, anyway?

Okay, Koops is the bee now. We’ve decided we basically have the water pack back, and J_V thinks it’s embarrassing.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s just my beeness.

So this second galaxy has a lot more character than the first. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed in how disjointed the first galaxy was, but hopefully this is an indicator of an increase in quality.

I’m also hoping Bowser levels are kickass. As I replayed the Mario 64 Bowser levels this past week, I realized that, while cool, they aren’t actually that difficult. I’m hoping the third Bowser level makes me cry…maybe not. Whatever, I’ll just keep saying I have allergies.

There seems to be some sort of boss for every single star. This either is the result of lazy designers (creatively) or a game which is building towards ridiculously hard combat further on. I’m not sure which thought I prefer.


Those are penguins.

Welcome Back

If Sunshine was the poop, this looks like it’s going to be the shit (or merde, if you will). I’m not sure if this is a better game yet (If the hype is correct, it is). I think the whole triangle thing is it. That, and Rosalina isn’t half bad. By not half bad, I mean smokin’.
So it appears this game is going to usher in plenty of science chat…great.
Evil energy? C’mon…
If the game designers make the most of this awesome gravity aspect of the game, this will be very interesting. I don’t really get what value the star bits have- maybe it’s 100 of them for a star instead of coins?
Gotta say though, I hope this game becomes more than solve a small puzzle on a small rock to access another small rock where you repeat the process. I’m holding out for bigger planets.

Anyway, this is awesome, and I’ll be back soon. Welcome back.


What a fatso.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

I Thought Legends of the Hidden Temple Was Cool Way Before All You Shrubs "Rediscovered" It

All week (plus), all I can think of when I listen to “I’m Housin’” is Sunshine, and it saddened me. But now, it is a reminder of salvation. However, I still must slave and sacrifice some to make it back to the dojo. Ahead of me lies a cumulative 10 hour commute back to the hallowed Batcave, 10 slow, torturous hours containing a significant time change. This time change demands I take my shocking ability to go without sleep for long periods of time to a whole new level, and I am doing everything within my power to cheat this time change.
What is the best plan? The original idea was to not sleep at all tonight, thus forcing me to sleep during the monstrous commute. Having awoken a mere couple of hours before the marathon, I would theoretically be rejuvenated and ready to kick pixilated ass. However, let’s remember my aforementioned ability (and tendancy) to go without sleep for long times. Who’s to say that I wouldn’t make it through the night, only to find that sleeping during the commute was impossible? This would undoubtedly lead to an UBER crash during the marathon. Exactly what we don’t want. So the new plan is to try to make it to 3 or 4 AM, and then achieve 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Hopefully this would make me tired enough that commute sleeping was probable, and if it wasn’t, I still may be able to go on that little amount of sleep for the marathon. Cross your fingers.

But since you probably don’t give a shit about that, I suppose I’ll share a bit more of my experience over here.

Fallacy- What It Means To Be An American

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…Well, you don’t. You see, apparently being obviously American (Backpacks, baseball packs, general tourist attitude) in a hot tourist location makes you a target. People try to sucker you, and we got a bit suckered right off the bat. As our American group walked down some outdoor stairs in a popular location on our first day here, we were spotted by 5 guys, possibly homeless, possibly just trying to make a buck, who had decided to spend their day preying on generous souls such as us. As we completed the stairwell, each of us was blocked by one of these men, who asked us for our pinky. I was perplexed, and along with one of my companions, withheld. However, one of our group had foolishly given in, and the rest of us followed reluctantly, and as a result of peer pressure. It may just be my pride, but I’m pretty sure I gave in last. Just saying.
In any case, the men proceeded to make some sort of braiding around each of our pinkies as they spouted homely values of prosperity and dominantly peace. When this was over there was another awkward moment in which we all stood there wondering “What now?” until inevitably, someone made it a charity event and started dropping greens (or blues, as it was). A minute and a half later we stood there, now alone, with less money, thoroughly suckered.

About 8 days later, and it’s round 2 of Americans against the world. Spotted as the Americans we were by a waiter at a local breakfast spot, he eagerly waved us in with a warm smile. Having dropped into this nice place a handful of times before for a coffee (but never a meal), we gave in to the friendly-looking waiter. Let the suckering begin.
The first sign that something was fishy was the beer one adult ordered. For future reference, ordering beer= you are an American. The beer received was massive and costly. Someone was trying to fool us into thinking that local custom was to have that size. Then we ordered a pitcher of water. You know, with the intent that it would be free. But no, we were brought two large glass bottles of water, which we were later charged for. Once again we took this to be a misunderstanding and made nothing of it. There seemed to be nothing wrong with the wine one adult got, however, until we realized it was $16+. All this we took respectfully and didn’t make a big deal out of.
For those of you who don’t know, it is the custom here to never tip. Most restaurants build gratuity into the bill, and the capitalist idea of tipping for performance is completely absent.
When we got the bill, we attempted to pay with credit cards. He refused every one of the six or so different kinds we offered him, claiming they could only take a type of card I now suspect does not exist. We resorted to cash and paid with exact change, as we had done in many classier restaurants in the past week. When the waiter saw the exact change, he inquired as to what was wrong with the service. We told him nothing was wrong, and once he had left, we debated amongst ourselves why he had asked. We settled on the hypothesis that he was trying to play on our American affinity towards tipping. Having figured him out, we were pissed and wanted to leave. As we made our way towards the door, he reappeared and asked again what was wrong with the service. We once again told him it was fine and moved to exit. Suddenly, his mild annoyance escalated into rage. He pursued us out the door, all the while yelling (in his own restaurant) “The bill is the bill, tip not included!” anmd then cursed us with “I do not wish you a good night, I do not wish you a happy New Year, Do not come back here!” Asshole.
Moral of the story- Sucker me once, shame on you. Sucker me twice…Well, you don’t.

Fallacy #2- Nostalgia

I always seem to be able to find something about any part of my life which I miss. If you were to pick any era of my thus far short life, I would undoubtedly have some bit of deep nostalgia associated with it. And I don’t mean eras like preschool, first grade, anything like that. I mean even more specific, like last December break or freshman summer. For some reason, I have always been a very nostalgic person. It is likely that this is because of my fascination with isolation, as things I am nostalgic about seem completely gone and lost, except for where they reside in the romantic section of my mind.
This vacation has been very interesting. How could it not be? History all around me, breathtaking views right around the streetcorner. However, it has not been my favorite of all time, simply because I find it very hard to relate to history. The palaces of the long dead mean nothing to me, their ornate golden thrones seem a waste of resources in my mind. I’ve never been an art fanatic. However, I felt a strong notch of nostalgia in my stomach tonight as I peered through a window into the local famous art museum.
The day I spent there was probably one of my least favorites, lots of looking at paintings which I couldn’t relate to at all. We were there with a member of the family one of my comrades had been staying with, a guy who seemed really great, but who I didn’t get to know very well. At the time, I had not really felt any way about spending the day with him and my group, but somehow tonight I was filled with amorphous nostalgia. It may’ve just been because of the perfect sadness of the scene- The dark exterior of a massive, magnificent museum which was uncharacteristically vacant. It is our last night, and the surrounding land is serene and almost completely silent, and I’m staring down into the museum, somehow feeling I’ll miss it. Could it be that deep down I actually enjoyed the museum tour? Could it be that the man we were with was an embodiment for me of the cool people in the world who I will never meet because I’m there and they’re here?
No, I don’t think so. I’m coming to think that maybe there are two types of nostalgia- the real and the fake, and I was experiencing the fake, as I have many times before.
What is fake nostalgia, you may wonder? It is when you are in a particularly uninteresting phase of life, such as my school year thus far. Not at all unhappy, just uninteresting. You are caught in one surreal moment which really has no meaning but is strangely cool, and you convince yourself that you have an attatchment to that part of your life. Basically, you create memories which are better than the actual occurrence. I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but I know that it is the case here for me. It makes me wonder- How much else of my nostalgia is fake? Not the friend stuff; that’s good shit. But middle school, when life wasn’t nearly as good as it is now, are my memories of that sunnier than reality? And how about freshman year, which was dominantly awkward and annoying?
No, based on the memories I’ve heard my elders recount, I hypothesize that only the meaningless nostalgia reveals itself as trivial. In any case, sometimes I wish I wasn’t such an imagery guy.

1 fucking day.


Bon Voyage…Throwback much?

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Trying to save, Being Excommunicated From the Area

Figured I should check in, seeing as I’ll only have free internet for another day or so, and seeing as I just goaded J_V into triple (double) posting, I don’t want to take crap for being a hypocrite. Then again, I could’ve just told you I didn’t have internet…wait, no, I’ve been commenting. In any case, I just like the sound of my own typing.
I’m so ridiculously stoked for Galaxy, it actually hurts sometimes. I don’t think any of you can understand the despair I felt about a week ago, knowing that I had to slave through 11 days to make it back to my beloved (albeit uncomfortable) couch with my equally eager comrades. Alright, perhaps this trip isn’t exactly the epitome of “slaving” through 11 days. Indeed, I think I’ve been unfair to this trip, as instead of enjoying it, I sometimes think of what I’m missing. But with a mere 3 days to go, I’ve let myself get a little looser.
As tempting as it is to keep rambling without content or purpose about Mario, I’d actually like to remind my readers that this blog is not exclusively about video games.

Contrary to everything you’ve seen here in the last month.

So instead, I’ll follow in Juicy’s footsteps and tell you about my Christmas. Or lackthereof. Actually, it was quite nice to not make a big deal of the holiday. You see, unlike at home, the holiday was not commercially crammed down my throat here. In fact, if I hadn’t known the date, I wouldn’t even have guessed it was Christmas. I don’t think I heard a single song about Santa or Jesus all day, and while I take no issue with either figure, their music is not a favorite of mine.

My Christmas experience began the night of Christmas Eve. After having a great dinner, our restaurant served us their signature two desserts, one piece of chocolate mousse and a tube of some ice-cream-like substance. Having not really been eating the past four days just because I didn’t feel like it, I suddenly remembered how much I like food. I quickly polished off my plate and waited 5 minutes, knowing what was about to come. And indeed, I was eventually recruited to assist in the completion of the family member’s sweets. Needless to say, by the end of the night I was sugar-loaded. And like a 5-year-old boy, I couldn’t sleep at all that night.

Eventually exiled to the hotel lobby, I published the pathetic “Sob Story” and resorted to AIM to seek out conversation. Luckily the time change made times like 4 AM actual practical IMing times for friends back home. After waging meaningless conversation back and forth with several buddies I had no real desire to speak with just for something to do, I was finally contacted by Juicy.

The first main subject touched upon was me uncharacteristically complaining about my good situation. Just goes to show you all how I’m missing all of last year’s drama. Life is so uneventful now.

But the second topic was a bit more uplifting- The theater endeavor many of us have planned for this summer. After rereading the intitial 2 pages I wrote of the script (progress, I know) I realized that, if we really give, this could be both awesome and possible. Juicy can attest to how awesome the entire situation could be.
So I’ve decided there’s no turning back now. I’m really pumped to write this motherfo. I think a tight-knit group of friends working on such a momentous project would be awesome, and actually make us all feel productive for once. So this is it. When I get back, preparations begin. Who cares if the script is barely off its feet? I’ve got the concept, now I’ve just got to start writing instead of spending time doing homework, watching tv, playing video games.

Maybe not that last one. In any case, this all begins after Galaxy.

So this is it. Jump on the bandwagon; all the cool kids are doing it. This is going down; no turning back now.

-That Klingon Kid

You're the one I love
But I kill all that I see

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sob Story

Oh, how I miss my room. I miss the nights when, if I couldn't sleep, I could just go downstairs and play video games, or talk to someone on the phone who I knew would be up, too. Back in the good old days when my happiness didn't effect other people's happiness. When i had the luxury of sleeping when i felt tired, and waking when I wanted to.
But now, sharing a room with relatives, I am either forced to lie in bed in silence for the entirety of the night, or come out into the hallway with my laptop and resign myself to a night of no sleep. And there really is no return to the room. Having returned once when my omputer battery died to try to get some sleep again (to no avail) my second departure has seriously pissed off one relative, and I can no longer return. It's really a lose-lose situation now. Either I return and get scolded for keeping the other relatives up and lie in bed for 4 more hours, or I stay out here and get scolded in the morning for "staying up all night". Seriously, dude, it's not called staying up, it's called not being able to sleep. Don't act like you've never heard of it. But the option of staying out in the hallway is the obvious choice, as it avoids hours of boredom without my computer. Which isn't to say I'm not pretty bored right now. I mean seriously, someone get on AIM and talk to me. It's only 11:30 where you are. Don't try to pull that crap and tell me you actually have a life and have to do something else.
Oh yeah, and I forgot my headphones, so now I have to sit here in silence. So seriously, someone talk to me.

87 stars. Yeah, that's really all I have to say. 5 days.


Who exactly is Che Guavera?

Post For You Far Away

As I imagine that all of your lives are empty and meaningless without me, I suppose I'll take the chance to say hi, if only to give you all a few more lines of text to cherish and revere.

But naturally, I'm really wanting to talk about me. And my visions. Of world video gaming from OSK industries. Namely, my visions for Mario games and "You-wake-up-in-a-room" (I think 'll have to change the working title of that one, it doesn't quite have a ring to it).

Yes, I am aware that Mario games are property of Nintendo. But when a good friend of mine takes over the world, they will naturally hand Nintendo to me. Unlike my literary and theatric ideas, I feel I could actually finish the design of a Mario game. I can't come up with my own ideas, but I can sure as hell steal someone else's, point out its flaws, and better them to fit my wants and needs. Having just played Mario Sunshine, I like the format of it very much. I think the idea of having Mario 64-esque levels, just less of them with more stars each is cool. That way, each level is so much more developed and has so much more depth. I'd keep the format of the Sunshine levels- 8 "episode" stars, one 100 coin star, and 2 secret shines. But you see, there wouldn't be any of the "Secret of Ricco Tower" type stars. They were wickedly cool, but now that it's been done, it's been done. This would also add to the depth of the level environments, as there would be even more stars in the actual level. Also, the secret stars would actually be clever. As opposed to having to do such things as spray the sun and golden stars to reveal shines, you would actually have to work for these and they wouldn't just be random things. If I were actually able to replace the golden bird shine in Noki Bay, for example, I would make it much more difficult. You would have to walk around what appears to be the outskirts of the level. Instead of an invisible wall, you would find a ruins mark very, very far along the rock face. When you sprayed it, a maze formation would appear. It would be extensive, and the entire thing would be on a timer. It would be virtually impossible to get to the end before the timer ran out. The best you could really do is make it through the entire thing mere seconds before the last section closes. At this point you would recieve the shine.
But the kicker would be the end of the game. After you aquired all 120 stars (11 from each of the 10 levels, plus 10 evilly hard "castle secret stars"), Luigi would become a playable character in that fire. Also, a koopa will suddenly appear deep in the woods. When you find him, he will ask you for 100 blue coins. Although I hated the blue coin system, I would make it a bonus in this game, as opposed to part of the 120 stars. I do think it was cool how the blue coins always kept you on your toes. They would be so cleverly hidden, however, that you would only naturally run into 10 or 15 of them while getting the 120 stars if you were not looking for them.
If you were able to supply the 100 blue coins, the koopa would open a portal to a secret 11th level, Bowser's castle. Having already fought Bowser 3 times during the game (and seemingly defeating him in the last encounter) no one would expect to see him again. The level would consist of the same 11 stars as the other levels, but they would all be much more difficult. The first star would involve a Baby Bowser boss fight. Another would involve racing a paratroopa around Bowser's lava moat, and you're in a boat (a rowing system would be involved- Koops can attes to how much of a pain this would be). The level would only have 101 coins, and most would be hidden. The second secret star (only accesible after getting all 10 other stars in the level) would climax in a fourth Bowser battle atop the castle. If you beat this, you will get the 131st star and your reward will be knowing that you are the man. Other random details would be that levels themselves would be hard to find (think shifting sand land) and each of the four Bowser battles would have a different format (As an example, imagine a Bowser battle in which about a dozen huge magnets are floating in space. You and Bowser can jump from magnet to magnet. Your objective is to throw Bowser towards a magnet when it is aligned on the other side of an electric orb (of which there would be maybe three) so that he would pass through the orb on the way. Also, the game would take place in a larger playing arena. Not quite Zelda size, but an almost as massive landscape. This will make the quest for the 10 "castle secret stars" incredibly hard. You will need 75 stars to fight the thirdl Bowser.
But since making a Mario game will no doubt find me with a lawsuit, let's focus on my brainchild (or brain-fetus, rather) "You-wake-up-in-a-room". This is very much a copy of the "Kid wakes up on a boat" book, but is more practical in actually pulling off. Being landbound, there's much more for the main character to do.
It starts out with you waking up in a room. Go figure. Your character has no memory of who they are, how they got there, etc. Basic Hollywood amnesia. Initially, the game is a game of "Escape the Room". It then becomes a game of "Escape the Building". Much more complicated. You emerge from the building, having no clue what's going on, and find yourself in a city. You attempt to talk to people, only to find that you cannot understand their language and they cannot understand yours. Great.
The first huge section of the game takes place in this city, which lies next to an ocean. Without being able to communicate with anyone, you will have to collect items and execute a chain of devilishly hard actions and exchanges until you are presented with a way to stowaway on a ship heading out to sea. Basically these devilishly hard actions would mirror the style of the Monkey Island series- following logic every once in a while, but mostly having to do with thinking out of the box and trying unexpected things. You can imagine how difficult this would be with an entire city, and no understandable dialogue.
Having boarded the ship, you will have "Escaped the Nation". You arrive on another continent to discover a rural area with a low population. But they speak your language! But don't get comfortable, it only gets harder. Back on the first continent, you could be lucky enough to discover that stowing away was an objective. But there is no noticeable objective here, and tons of stuff to collect and interact with. The dialogue will be Monkey Island style- Essential, but challenging to use to get what you want. There is one objective that you can discover, which is finding a man who can teach you the native tongue of the first nation. This quest will take you about half the time it takes to do all of the other necessary, but seemingly pointless side quests on the rural nation. These will be frustrating because there will be a handful of long side-quests which bear fruit, but also a handful which are long and either lead you to items with no use or complete dead-ends. Once you have learned the foreign tongue and obtained the other knowledge and objects you need to on the rural nation, you will want to return to the first nation. You have now completed the first two parts of the game, but the third is the biggest and hardest. Using items and knowledge from parts 1 and 2, you will now have to use your knowledge of the native tongue to find new uses for them.
Just so you know, if you missed any necessary quests from part 1 that you need in part 2, or missed any in part 2 that you need in part 3, there is the difficult option of hijacking a small boat from the rural nation's port to make for easy transport. Hijacking this boat is eventually necessary, as it is the only way to get back to the first nation after part 2, as the boat you stowed away on remains in the second nation's port for the rest of the game. This will likely result in much motoring back and forth to find things which you missed earlier.
Once you do the necessary things in part 3, you begin to uncover the scifi backstory of the game. I haven't quite worked out the details, but basically your character was somehow inserted into this surreal, artificial world from "the real world". This game climaxes as it becomes a game of "Escape the World". This may seem like jumping the shark, but the scifi backstory and truth about the main character will be hinted at the entire game. I will make sure to make him seem a real character in an unreal world. Many dead-end side-quests will also throw some light on your situation without giving away the ending. Talking to some characters will do this same thing. There will be no cutscenes in the game, so planting these hints will have to be done subtley, but at the same time noticeably. I've always agreed that a good mystery is one where you couldn't have possibly guessed the ending, but when you see the ending, you realize that it couldn't have ended any other way. In order to escape the world, you will have to do something like find a portal back to your world. An idea I really like, though, is that this artificial world has strict boundaries, and by finding the means to launch into space, you could exceed these boundaries.
When you emerge back into your world, there would be a brief textual explanation of the events which ahd transpired, filling in some but not all holes. You won.
Crazy, I know. Awesome, I know. I really want to lay out a plan for this.

So it's 3 AM here and I probably should be trying to sleep instead of sitting here typing this long-ass post. I can't seem to sleep at all here, what with snoring relatives and a night club right outside where we're staying. Tonight was pretty quiet (I don't imagine night clubs are hopping on Christmas eve) but having slept 'til noon yesterday (My one solid night of rest thus far) I'm not in the least tired. I really hate sleeping away from home. Which isn't to say that I mind spending my nights playing Mario 64 o my computer a pain, but the day after is always hell. By the way, controlling Mario with arrow keys sucks. I consider my 84 stars thus far quite an accomplishment. I've been having a good time here, but I keep thinking of everything in terms of Mario. I find myself thinking "That would be an awesome surface to belly-slide down", or "I bet there's a blue coin around that corner...No one would expect that!" Each of these thoughts is followed by something along the lines of "Seriously, OSK?" So I'm happy and unhappy at the same time. This is cool, and I long for Mario. Once again, I apologize to you all for the horrible timing of this vacation, but only 5 days now! Having basically had a 12 hour time change (What with the actual time change and having to conform my sleep cycle to those around me) I don't know how I'm goin to be able to function that first night back, but I'll sure as hell grit it out. Maybe I won't sleep at all the night before and sleep on the way home, then hit the energy drinks hard. That sounds like a sound plan. God, I can't wait. How can I possibly enjoy this vacation entirely and still make it go by more quickly?

I need a montage.


Is it bad that "teh" is starting to look right?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Black Room of Death Chroncles, Episode 2

There is a room where Mario (Luigi?) lies and waits for me. Waits patiently in the cold blackness of space, the biggest black room of death of all. They lie on my desk, they’ve tempted me every day to come into the dark room with them. But I cannot without my comrades. Now, driven to insanity by the allure of the treasure of a new adventure, I pace the room where they reside. This room is cold as a tomb, and their adventure will remain in it until I return. It will lie dead until my comrades and I come to reanimate it. I am a guard against impurity of playing; I will not allow myself or others (paper clip) to explore this adventure without our entire group. And yet here I am, facing a role-reversal. Suddenly I am the one going away, being waited for. I am the sole barrier between them and the black room of death. There is no way around it. I will have to live with this anguish for 10 days.

For you.


Yeah, nightly, right.

There Are Rules

It's been mentioned lately how speed-running SM64 could and will most likely become a pastime for the gamers among us. I'd take it as likely that some of you will do it over the next little while, as I am gone, and your lives are meaningless without me. I'm thrilled, but let me lay down some ground rules:

1. Time must be carefully recorded. The timer starts when you turn the N64 on. Time goes off when Yoshi speaks his last words (You may rush through dialogue)
2. All 120 stars must be acquired (duh). For the sake of consistency, let's all beat Bowser, then go to Yoshi (You may turn the N64 off then on again after Bowser speaks his last words so as to avoid the long ending).
3. All three Bowsers must be beaten.
4. No collaboration. One person, one save file.
5. No guides or help from others. If you forget something, figure it out.
6.Stars may be acquired in any order you desire.
7. No glitching/cheating (Like we even can).
8. Games MUST be done in one sitting. This is as much an endurance test as it is a skill test. If you have to break to walk the dog or feed grandma, fine, adjust the time accordingly. But no deliberate breaks to give your mind a rest. Plan to do it in one sitting.
9. Keep time as precisely as possible.

If you have a problem with these rules, too bad, I won't be here to argue them. But I think they're fairly agreeable.

Good gaming.


Stupid Excel.

Solid Ground (Journal Entry #2 of Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus Razorclaw Cerebros)

A Preface: There were many Franks in many worlds, sometimes two in one world, or three, or four, but generally spread out in the universe, unaware of the effect the other Franks were having on his life. Some were even unaware of the other Franks’ existence. Such was the case with the Frank of Isolation. This Frank, The Frank, was a man in a world not his own, trapped in a world of green . Indeed, this was a foreign world to The Frank, who had lived all his life in the England-Wrestler-Transformer nation. Alone, and desperate for survival, he would strive to do the impossible by penetrating deeper into the mystery of this green world than any person had before.

The Frank had no idea how this would affect he and the other Franks in the grand scheme of things.

I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, feel my hands shaking as I sail over the first of these mysterious blocks. I am not so much upset as nervous. Indeed, my despair over the death of co-pilot RedShirt seems to have disappeared. The academy employs the Redshirt family for this reason; mourning never seems to last until the next episode.
I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, have no idea what these green floor, ceiling, and blocks mean, but their ridgy surfaces look uninviting. As the second block passes above me, I fear that this run cannot last forever. These blocks are not all aligned perfectly, and probability tells me, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, that eventually I will be placed in a difficult situation.
I approach the third block, only to suddenly drop towards the top of it as the helicopter violently hiccups. I drop low enough to easily hit the block, but luckily I am barely past it. The thrash of the copter throws me forward onto the dashboard. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus Razorclaw Cerebros, slam onto the interface of the copter’s computer. Suddenly the copter freezes in midair. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, am obviously startled. Hesitant to raise myself from the controls (utilizing my wickedsexyamazing forearms), I peer up at the central display. A grey rectangle has appeared with several options. “Zoom In”, “Zoom Out”, “Select All”, among others. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, suddenly realize that I have landed on the right-click pad of my computer (Yes, it makes total sense that two civilizations with no interaction or similar origins would have the exact same style of computer technology). Realizing this, I press harder on the right click, mortified of moving again. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, gaze at the fuel gauge of the copter and realize the horrible reason for the copter’s hiccup: The fuel tank is all but empty. A leak must have been torn in the tank in the violent vortex which had brought me to this hellhole.
An idea strikes me. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros cannot fly more than a block or two more safely, and I must find fuel if I wish to continue. Perhaps it’s time to see exactly what this green stuff is made of. Holding down the right click with one hand, I rummage in my pocket desperately with my other, praying that OSK’s kindness has graced me with a deus ex machina. And there it is, a rubber band. Perfect.
I let go of the mouse. As the copter plummets, I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus Razorclaw Cerebros, intently peer at the approaching green ground, estimating the distance. A mere 100 feet above the ground, I tie the rubber band around the mouse, and the copter comes to a horrifying halt. Peering out the window, I estimate that we are but 40 feet above the bottom.
I grab a pistol, throwing the door open and dropping a rope ladder out the side. I grab emergency rations, good for 3 days. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus razorClaw Cerebros grab an oxygen mask, and throw it on. Slowly I descend the ladder. The environment is suprisingly warm, and the black void even more shockingly gaping than it seemed from the inside. I reach the end of the ladder, 15 feet above the ground. I drop a pen from my pocket, it appears to land unaffected. Time for a leap of faith.

-Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus Razorclaw Cerebros

But…It’s pink.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Back to Hell

We've finally reached the part of the game where nothing is easy anymore. In an attempt to get 100 coins on Sirena Beach, I chose the episode prescribed by one guide. After acquiring 99 coins, I ate shit. Great. That was followed by hours of trying to get red coins ona secret level, which iI finally got on one of them. This has been a very productive session.

Actually, it's picking up. We've knocked off a few clutch (by which I mean easy) secret levels. We're also working on some of the secret shines,a nd I've got to say, I'm a bit dissapointed. The golden bird was a good indicator of shine quality, as most of these are random and represent in no way how clever or good at handling Mario you are. the most recent one we did involved spraying the sun. WTF? Actually, it didn't just involve it; that was the entire shine. WTF?

Once again, let me praise the use of height in this game. Standing atop the huge tree in Pianta Village, the intricacy of the landscape far below me is almost breathtaking, but then I remember it's a video game. And it's even more spectacular. Back to Sirena beach 100 coins. Joy.


There doesn't seem to be anyone else besides us here.

Poetic Outlet III

High above the ocean
A gaping mouth of black
Wonderful, shining notion
Bring me back
To mushroom kingdom
Where Peach I can mack
Oh, gaping mouth of black
Yield me your secret red coins
My shines will be 90
The remainder but 30
Oh, shining mouth of black
Tower of rotating blocks
Where the fuck is that coin of blue
Which Koops missed somewhere along the way?
Tell me it's in the lava goo
So we can get more sunshine rays
So close, yet so far
Bring me back
To mushroom kingdom
So I may partake
In some of peach's cake


Seriously, we're gonna be screwed without the water pack.

Back in the Dojo?

Koops has proceeded to destroy this 100 coin star, and the future is looking bright, now that I've dsicovered so many secret shines (Every secret level has a "now-you-have-your-water-pack-go-get-eight-red-coins" secret shine. Much frustration likely lies ahead.
Mmmmm, Koops and I ahve had a novel idea- Use a boat to get to a time-limit blue coin across the bay. It worked. Way to go Koops' awesome boat skills. We're a bit scared that we each missed a different blue coin somewhere, but hopefully we're wrong (That would probably ruin our lives). The second baot blue coin is proving to be a bit more difficult.
I think I'm going to go crazy, looking for gold birds everywhere I go. It's that type of random shit on the part of a game designer that makes gamers like me go insane. Attention to detail sucks. Whatever happened to the simple "do what the title says" stars in Mario 64? Whatever, if I were a game designer, my games would be mecriless. Maybe someday I really will make that game about the guy who wakes up in a mysterious room by himself in a world where no one speaks his language. It'd be sorta like "Monkey Island" meets "Escape the Room", except without Monkey's hilarity and Room's terribly simplistic solution.
So this second blue coin is proving to be a real pain.
We're coming back to that one, it sucks. Speaking of things that suck, we're trying eight red coins on the hardest secret level. Okay, we put that one off to. Better to hone our skills on the easier levels before tackling that mofo.
Now It's Ricco Tower all over again with Koops,a nd it's not the prettiest sight ever. Given, he's a lot better at secret levels now, but with red coins (and with his boost insted of hover) it's not gonna be a fun time.

Now we're a few shines further, and i feel the groove coming back. It's been brought to our attention that Yoshi genocite was unnecessary, we just had to ahve them eat a certain fruit. Whatever, a Yoshi which started pink doesn't deserve life even if it has turned orange.

I've decided I don'tg like the secret level red coin buttons; they remind me of blisters. Not fun. Not to mention the pain associated with them. Okay, there's not really that much pain.

Gonna watch a bit. Be back.


"If you die in the game, you die in real life." What movie was that from?

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Revenge is 100 coins in 5 minutes

Letme tell you a sad story, followed by a tale of redemption.

I checked the online guide to see which episode of Noki Bay i should use for 100 coins (our first 100 coins exploit). When I checked, I was about 40 coins in. They said "The Boss of Tricky Ruins". I was doing the one with the red coin fish. Koops said there couldn't eb more than 20-30 coins underwater, and I could only find 50 above. So with 52 coins, I descended with little hope of success. I had already poured a solid 20 minutes into this star. You can imagine my ecstasy, then, when I discovered 60+ coins on the ocean floor. The shine sprouted out, and I swam to retrieve it.

Fuck, where'd it go? Without Koops' attention to detail, my companion and I were utterly unable to find the shine on the expansive underwater city landscape. After about 3 minutes of hanging on, I suffocated.

That sucks, by the way. It really sucks when that happens. It really does.

I was now armed with the knowledge of the proper episode to use. I was also armed with anger. Anger won over.

I chose the red coin fish again. In about five minutes, I grabbed 52 coins above the ocean floor, descended below, and got my 100. I watched where it went, I triumphed. It was ridiculously easy.

But there are more victories to be told. I now know where both secret stars in Noki Bay are. I figured the network of secret water-activated passages must be hiding a secret shine, and I was right. But it wasn't as blatant as I had thought. Atop the map, on a high cliff, was a tree with a golden bird. When said bird was sprayed, it turned into a shine. God help us with these secret shines.


2 weeks...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Second World War, Third Round

Three nights of the weapon of video games above ground. Have I mentioned I love this game? Unfortunately the authority figures won't let this "marathon" go too long, for Koops and I have duties in the morning. Duties at something which will most certainly be snowed out if the weather reports are anything like predicted.
I don't know if I've stressed this yet, but I love secret levels. I just completed one (in two tries, I might add) which was awesomely massive and complex, involving pretty much every move in Mario repetoire. Im happy that Nintendo has, at least to some degree, preserved the raw How-Well-Can-You-Control-Mario aspect of Mario games, at least a little bit. After all, Mario was born of side-scrollers, so this is where the heart's at. Once again, I hope Galaxy was somewhat inspired by these levels, as I wouldn't mind if Mario kept being the opposite of Monkey Island.
We often talk about music which we associate with certain phases of the friend group (Mario 64, Pool table, etc.) I'm left to wonder what music I will associate with this endeavor. At the present time I'm thinking Rage/Audioslave, not because they're necessarily the best we're listening to, just because we're listening to them the most.
So we'ev decided to beat Bowser prematurely. Usually, i would consider this impure, but the entire town is flooded (inconvenient) and there's a ahine you can't get until you beat Bowser. So basically we have one more excuse to avoid all of the hard Shines.
By the way, blue coins are evil as hell. Like the beach shine sprite, we have discovered a blue coin which can only eb uncovered by spraying a patch of sand on a massive beach. MASSIVE beach.
Speaking of ebaches, I was playing my arch-nemesis today, Guitar Hero. I wasn't going to give in, but then I saw that one of the only two playable characters was Tom Morello. After shaming Morello's name by wrecking "Bulls On Parade", I gave up and went back to hating the game.

Koops is fighting Bowser...again.


There is no way that sex could've worked.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Out of Hell

I have conquered the hell which is the secret Yoshi level. I give Koops full credit for guiding me through that. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have the Yoshi control to make it to the island in the first place.

A few complaints-

240 Blue coins. I thought we only needed 120. i thought we were doing so fucking well. Guess not. But seriously, how can anyone find all 240 blue coins hidden in random-ass locations around the entire game? Well, I guess Koops and I will find out exactly how it's done.

The Shine on the Beach- If you squirt a random part of a fairly large segment of beach for a while, you get a Shine Sprite. How the hell were we supposed to know about a shine sprite under a random patch of sand? I'm sure there were myriads of fans out there with 119 shines tearing their hair out over the location of the last ones. I mean c'mon, that's even clever. It's just random.

Once again, a complaint about the hell level. It's probably taken up hours of our night at this point. Especially since I proceeded to repeat the same Shine from level 1 over and over again literally 20 times to get 20 extra lives, which I did not end up needing. I swear, if Koops can ever make it onto this boat, he's going to be pretty damn good at it. If ever.

So if you're checking the times of tehse posts, you may have noticed how ridiculously epic this gaming marathon has been. This started at about noon, and it's now 10:12 AM. Slowly, we are becoming more and more masters of Mario Sunshine. Really, this is what vacation should be- No concept of time, no commitments whatsoever, no anything. And miraculously, not tired. Fuck the twelve hour rule- Why ever stop?

Speaking of never stopping, I'm thinking of legitimately speed-running SM64. I mean, I love it so much, why not? Wow, I really am a geek. Props to Koops for actually making it into the level, he's destroying it. But yeah, I'd be interested in getting some friendly "who can beat SM64 the fastest" competition to see who would reign victorious (Me). But I'm not cocky or anything (Player since 1997). Perhaps that'll keep Koops and J_V busy while I'm over the pond (tear). God knows they'll be lost without me.

You know, it's somewhat ironic- We (J_V) criticized Rainbow Road in SM64 for being uncreative. Random objects floating in the sky, no creative theme to any of it, unlike the other levels, which are all bound by the semi-realism of their environments. I agree with this opinion. However, all of the "Secret" levels in Sunshine purely involve floating objects in space, and they really are brilliant. Drop all te plot crap; how's your logic and how well can you handle Mario (without the water pack)?

Alright, marathon coming to a close. See you next time.


For you

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Worse than 'Nam

Let me show you hell.

Picture this: You're riding a Yoshi. Yoshis die when they touch water. Ignore the fact that that makes NO sense. Anyway, not only do Yoshis die in water, they also die after about 2 minutes. What the hell, Nintendo? Okay, so in two minutes you have to (riding Yoshi) jump some water, stomp into a manhole, walk UNDER the ocean, come out on an island, jump onto a moving boat (avoiding lethal water), ride this boat for a while, jump onto a stationary platform in the middle of the ocean (avoiding lethal water), eat a fruit to prevent Yoshi from dying, jump onto another moving boat (avoiding lethal water), and then jump onto another island (avoiding lethal water). At this point this good-for-nothing can't touch-water Yoshi squirts his juice onto some gelatinous goo on the top of a warp pipe, causing the deadly goop to go away. Enter the pipe.

The second level of hell: Inside this pipe you find yourself at the mouth of a river filled with water (This time water lethal to Mario). You must jump onto a lily in the deadly water (avoiding the lethal water) and use your waer pack to steer yourself down the very speedy river, grabbing 8 red coins along the way. If you die a handful of times, you start the entire process over again.

Only Vault can guide me through this.

Now Koops is fighting the white silhouette of an electric manta ray on a beach by spraying it so it divides. He's surrounded by electric slime. Seriously, what was Nintendo on when they made this game?

Okay, new picture of hell: Koops trying to destroy these Manta rays. I can't vouch for how difficult it is, but it's the first shine of a new level and he's gotten pretty owned 3 times now...Bummer.


Haha, she said "lubricate".

I'm More Shocked Than I Was At the End of Battlestar Season Three

Gooper Blooper 3? I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't skip a beat when I saw him. I think Nintendo's found in Blooper what theyw found in the Big Boo and Wiggler- A boss comical and easy enough to be a satisfying recurring foe, seeing as he's funny as hell and not at all challenging. I lmean, ripping his tentacles off as he squirms and shreaks in excuciating pain? It's unmario-ness is hilarious. Then again, maybe Mario's growing up, what with all the Yoshi genocide (mostly Pink). Not to mention Blooper's eyes turn purple as you yank on his ose until it completely rips off. Blooper, I look forward to torturing you in Galaxy,hopefully getting to rip your face open another 6 delicious, calamri-flavored times.
Speaking of Glaxy, Koops and I have decided that we're gonna be very disoriented when we start on Galaxy, desperate without our water packs. Oh, the desperation of only being able to jump normally.
So apparently "Buddhalicious" is our new blogger psuedonym for her? Not sure how I like that, but it's fine for me.

Koops vs. Blooper

Koops takes a few brutal hits, squashes a tentacle, grabs, BAM!
If I were a child, the graphic nature of these fights would probably traumatize me.
Pull that motherfracker's nose. Okay, Blooper's back, Koops takes a tentacle.

I apologize for the scatter-brained style of these posts, a lot is happening in a little time. It's actually shocking looking at how much is happening in comparison with how few shines we have. This game definitely kicks 64's ass as far as difficulty goes, yet we're still mauling it.

Okay, "Buddhalicious" wants the comp. Later.


This live blogging thing aint half bad. And yeah, i don't feel the need to apostrophize (word?) "aint".

Shut Up and Mario

Some dialogue.

"UHHHHHHH-UHHHHH-OH...Felt so good."

"Where is it?"

Stoner Voice: "Try riding the roller coaster man...YEAH."
"Hey, I'm not even completely sure where I'm going."

The others are getting restless.

The question has been raised whether Rage (who has a non-black singer) can drop the N-bomb if covering a song written by a band with a black singer. Intiguing.

This is really bftsob. Whatever. Mario is cool. And I love marathoning video games. Okay Klingon, shut up and Mario already.


Pink Yoshis are undesireable.

Welcome to the Zone

by the ay, it's what we're in. Round 2, and things are getting pretty damn good. Although I'm kinda pissed off about this blue coin thing. I mean, 120? And they're in the most random places EVERYWHERE. This Sunshine experience will no doubt culminate in the two of us scouring the entire game for the myriad blue coins we missed. It's weird, amost all of the stars in the game are harder and/or more creative than in 64, but they cop out on 24 stars, whereas in 64 they only cop out on a few.
Apparently red coins flow in the current when in water, and can travel through rocks? What?
Koops is having trouble getting a watermelon across the dock. The ocean is incredibly expansive, given, not as expansive as in Wind Waker, but pretty freaking big. I'm okay with giving Nintendo props for hiding a blue coin underwater hundreds of feet away from the actual level..dirty clever.
Yeah, Koops si not doing so hot with this watermelon...
I wonder if Wiggler will makea third appearance in Galaxy. He'll probably be easy as poop, as usual. These "telephone poles" are proving to be real candy canes, which really isn't that bad. So apparently we can get the 100 coin star if we destroy 100 watermelons. Hmmm...maybe I should work on some watermelon puns. More on that later.


I'd take those darn windbags right now.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Black Room of Death Chronicles, Episode 1

So begins my nightly installments into this new series. Basically, I've lost the creativity/will to write interesting things about my own life and have to resort to the esoteric, somewhat satirical world of video game mockery. Basically, this is a direct continuation on the How to Get Luigi and Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros genre.

Krooper, the young Koopa guard new on the job, paced the length of the room nervously. Even in the dark room, it was hard not to notice the chalky outlines of the bodies in front of him. Bodies squirming in fear, in desperation, wondering if they'll ever see the light of day again. Through his low-quality night-vision goggles he could plainly see the mouth of Princess Peach flapping away, her snobby, girly cries of protest muffled only by the earmuffs he had remembered to bring after the third time they kidnapped Peach. All around Peach, bound to seperate chairs, were variously colored Toads, squirming, but silent. Damn Bowser for insisting he bind Peach "gentler" than the rest.
Krooper was tense. Their interrogation of Peach had yielded the information that Mario was on his way. He wasn't sure how Bowser would take the news. Not to mention Luigi had escaped his captivity in Boo's Mansion with nothing but a fucking vaccuum cleaner. Pursued by guards, he'd fled to the dead-end courtyard, and managed to carve "L is the real 2041" into the fountain. Krooper wasn't going to tell Bowser that, the King would probably kill him for just knowing teh secret.
Refusing surrender, Luigi had been shot and killed on sight, and his corpse was now lying in an ice vault next to Krooper. There was no way the secret of the key would be discovered.

Mario's here. God, why doesn't Bowser just leave the castle with Peach? Great idea, let's just stay here where Mario is. he's only kicked our ass 5 times before...



Calamari, Bitch

Shine Count: 17
Blue Coin Count: 30

So we wimped out on the Bianco Hills 100 coin star. Usually I wouldn't allow this to happen, but the course is so miserably devoid of coins that the prospect is appalling. I mean, if you thought Dire, Dire Docks was a bitch of a 100 coin star, you haven't ever played Sunshine. A bunch of the coins are obtained only by doing random poop like spraying the doors of houses. Indeed, I often find that money pours from the threshold of my house when I douse it with a hose. Haha, many less-than-classy puns have come from the FLUDD water pack Mario squirts everything with (supersoaking Peach). In any case, we just endured some Shines which were a real pain, so I'm going to use that as justification for wimping out.

Koops has resorted to conspiracy theories fo why he's fallen.

You'd think Bowser would incorporate a level without water in it, given that without water Mario would be screwed. Then again, Bowser's never been the smartest fellow, what with him putting Stars and Shines in accessible locations instead of within "the walls" of the castle/island. I never got that, actually. I mean, we hardcore 64ers know that castle inside and out. There is no place where Bowser could have put a door into secret rooms in the castle that we wouldn't know. Well, I guess those doors could be outside of the playing field of the game, but the area surrounding Peach's castle appears to be completely ocean. Bowser worked nautics into his kidnapping plan? Maybe the guy's smarter than we give him credit for. Nah, he's probably just holding Peach and co. in the black room of death (More on that later).

And by the way, TTBM says there's no way we're beating Galaxy in our time span. Let's show him.

Oh, and since when does Donald Duck tell "That's what she said" jokes?

Musical stylings tonight: Rage Against the Machine (Evil Empire) and State Radio (YOTC). On the topic of these culturally relevant bands , I've been taking much pleasure in dropping lyric quotes in History class and trying to pass them off as legitimate contributions to the conversations ("Well Mike, it's because we'ev got bombs,a nd they;ve got barrels of gasoline" and "It's like a bullet in our heads" (I'm suprised no one caught the blatnt nature of that one. Maybe someone did and they just dislike Rage. Hilariously, I actually had a classmate tell me they were suprised to see that I listened to "Satan music" after they saw "Bulls on Parade. Dude, that's something old people say about political music. I guess the angelic OSK image from a few years back has stuck. In any case, video game marathons are good to rock out to.

Which brings up the topic of "Breaking the Habit", a post I almost made before I remembered I ahd to write a huge chunk of my English paper. The "habit" is slow music, and I've sworn it off this winter, and perhaps, beyond. I'm not talking about slow Dispatch, singing about Zimbabwean kidsand Old Man River, I'm talking about love songs. Last year I immersed myself in the likes of "Train" and "Matchbox Twenty". Solid groups, sure, but they tore me apart. I've come to realize that at my core I am a rocker, and to allow myself to be enveloped in the dreary sadness of winter is a self-betrayal that I will not torment myself with again.

"Mystery of the Tower" for Koops is definitely analogous to my exploits in Snowball Valley with silver coins. Which is to say we're probably making the same mistake over and over again without realizing it. I think he's taken a liking to the hover function of the FLUDD ho-supersoaker because he's so used to having the immortalization of eternal-jump Kirby. He insists it's ironic because he's bad with it. He always had a problem supersoaking. Ooooooh, might need some supersuchering for that BURN. Yeah, i know that doesn't make sense; shut up.


Gooper Bdooder Blooper TBooper...Whatever, the Blooper's back!

Zero Day

First off, this game has the lamest plot ever. I don't so much have a problem with the really long intro, but the plot itself is actually pretty bad. I mean, clean up pollution? Since when is Ralph Nader funding Nintendo for propoganda?

Oh, and just so you all know, the "chap stick" was the holiday soap a neighbor gave us. Anticlimatic, I know, but whatever. Koops is currently failing at the water pack. He blames it on inexperience. Now he's screwing up jumping. I'm pretty sure that was in 64.

Now he's blowing at special levels. I'm a little worried about how he and J_V will adjust to the Wii Mote (Or how I will adjust.)

Though I don't mean to make fun of Koops. It is pretty easy (2 game overs thus far on one shine sprite).

Now he's picking up speed again, though.


Just finished another 6 stars. Now I remember why I love Mario.

Another query: What's with the palm trees indoors? I didn't think we were playing Halo...

Josh is suddenly kicking ass at wallkicking. Analogous to my never kicking ovber the wooden plank in Womp's fortress- he doesn't have to, but it looks way more badass. I've decided this game is in teh same vein as Diddy kong, as it too is a game filled with cute characters and sunny environments, but is considerably more difficult than the usual Nintendo games. Then again, Mario IS the usual Mario game, wjat with him being the mascot.

Oh, and the special levels appear to eb suspended in outer space, an outer space which has outlines of railroad tracks in the back...What? Come to think of it, the idea for Galaxy is kinda just a recycling of the "mystery" Sunshine levels. Except with gravity.

This must be coming off with the coherency of a middle-of the night post (How are these posts going to be in the middle of the night?).

Oh, and redemption. This is awesome because I'm redeeming teh pathetic OSK/J_Verts "Wind Waker" shame.

For redemption.


That's what he said?

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Goofy Glass

Weird things happen; life is full of weird occurrences. Women have octuplets, people discover they’re married to their half-sister, alien abductions occur. Astounding, never seen before, thought-provoking. But every once in a while something happens that makes all of that seem run-o-the-mill, that seems to dupe all other mysteries. I have just lived such an occurrence.
There is chap stick in my orange juice. When my lips touch the rim of the glass, I am overcome by that glossy scent, the memories of cold mornings before elementary school when my lips would chap to cracking. The juice itself has less of a trace of the substance, but its presence is undeniable. I am left to wonder how, and most importantly, why?
I’ve given up drinking the stuff. Far as my common sense tells me, drinking chap stick is not the best call. Yet I cannot bring myself to dump it down the sink, flush the problem away like some tick I’ve condemned to death in the toilet. This is far too intriguing- It is not possible that a chap-stick wearing person would have sipped from this cup and replaced it in the cupboard; these glasses came straight from the wash.
Could it be my imagination? I do have a thing about smells. They seem to stay with me. In third grade I had a copy of the First “Chronicles of Narnia” book (The Magician’s Nephew?). It’s cover smelled like…Well, I can only describe it as “rotten barbecue sauce”, though I don’t believe sauce can rot. Just for the record, I don’t believe I stuck my nose against the book, it was just so unpleasantly pungent that the scent struck me during every read.
Throughout a good portion of the rest of my childhood, I was plagued by this smell. It frequently visited me when I played “Cartoon Network Snowmobile Racer” with others during indoor recess (Weird, I know), and sometimes it would come upon me at completely random moments.
But I have never been plagued by the smell of chap stick. And now that I have left the glass here for several minutes, the smell is filling the room, and growing in intensity. Perhaps solving this mystery should be forgone for the sake of avoiding scental scarring once again.

Whose idea was it anyaway to turn Welch's Jam Jars with Disney characters on them into glasses?

(Blogging for the sake of a weird smell)


The blood is on your hands
You’ve got it on your feet
Your fist is in the air
And somewhere in between

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Review: The Tooth of Crime

I finally have something more to say about the works of Sam Shepard. After finding my copy of Sam Shepard's "Seven Plays" collection the other day, I have had the pleasure of reading his musical "The Tooth of Crime" and revisiting a personal favorite play of mine, "True West".
Let me just say that "True West" is a gem. It is basically what inspired (or rather, helped me discover) my love for isolationsit writing. In a nutshell, it is about two brothers, the younger one a civilized screenwriter on the brink of Hollywood fame, and the older a brutish personality who does not interact with society. The older brother is, in every sense, a parasite; He has no home and lives off of the good nature of friends. When he's not doing that, he's either staying alive by stealing small aplliances such as toasters and TVs from homes or dissappearing into the desert for long periods of time. The two brothers are staying together in their mother's house (the older uninvited), and over the course of a few days the reader (viewer) sees them go from content with (and possibly enjoying) one another's company to attempting to kill one another. Throughout the course of the show, both characters' insecurities and shortcomings are showcased as they lose all control.
You can probably see some similarities with my writing in here: A few characters interacting in a fixed set away from society and, without a very profound catalyst, changing drastically because of the exposure of one another's flaws. "Live with a man for forty years. Eat your meals with him, share your time with him. Then, take him to the volcano's edge and hang him over it. On that day, you will meet the real man." I don't know whose quote that is, I only remember it from "Firefly". Maybe they made it up. In any case, Shepard disputes this quite quickly in his writings, as he demonstrates how severe human insecurities are and how delicate human relations are.
To him, however, this drastic progression does not need to be the result of the years of familiarity that brothers have. In "The Tooth of Crime" it is two rock stars (Shepard's modern cowboys), one a big stud knocking on the doors of the fame the likes of Dylan and Hendrix attained, and a no name sent by one of the big-timer's (Hoss) rivals. The plot is simple: The rockers live by a code in which no rocker can overtake a city which another has claimed. However, this code is beginning to be broken left and right, and Hoss does not know what to do. He is unwilling to go against everything he has learned. he is essentially an old man in a world of wild youth (though he is actually quite young). One of Hoss' rivals sends this no-name to duel with Hoss to the death (apparently a tradition in "the game"). Knives are soon abandoned, however,a s the the duel becomes a battle of words.
The second act is quite strange, as it focuses on this duel, in which a "Referee" scores them on what are essentially burns as they verbally attack each other to music. This ismade even more alien by their jargon. "Can't get it sideways walkin' the dog. Tries trainin' his voice to sound like a frog...Fear that he's crackin' busted in two. Bustin' in three parts. Bustin' in four. Bustin' and dyin' and cryin' for more" goes one insult.
But at the core of the play lies the question of what someone's role in the world is. We're all only here to be replaced, times change, codes of conduct change, jargon changes. Suddenly you can't keep up with the kids, and you thought you were one. It's almost a tale of growing older, metaphorically told in an hour plus timespan. What does Shepard seem to dictate is the answer? Hoss takes his own life. So the world keeps turning, you gotta go with the flow, and when you're out of the game you may as well be dead. When the peak of your life is over, your life is over. But the entire play is filled with backhanded tactics- Lying, harassing, bribery, all to win the game. So maybe if you don't break the code to start with, you got some class on the other clowns. Maybe respect makes you King.


The result is displayed on the home screen; it shows that five percent of the women are taller than 175.5 centimetres.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Happy December 4th (A Thanks to HOVA)

While his albums never truly seduced our ears, the combination of his innovative flows with DJ Danger Mouse's angelic beats won us over immediately. "Public Service Announcement", "Encore", "99 Problems", "Dirt Off Your Shoulder", all great mash-ups. And while his works have mostly died out within the triangle, I feel the need to give him a shout-out (which he will never hear) on this, the day of his birth (Also the namesake for one of his weakest flows, but this is supposed to be a thank you). While I don't believe in a lot of the abstract ideas we use in English class, imagery is definitely an important part of my life, especially with music. It seems that every album I have brings about a certain image from my life. For "The Grey Album", it's Mario going up the outside of the pyramid during "Shining Atop the Pyramid" with "Public Service Announcement" playing. It's one of those albums that hold special nostalgic value for me.

Just a reminder that my blog is NOT about video games (for 8 more days), though I constantly mention them. Just kidding, it really is about video games.

But on the musical note (punular), I’ve recently realized something about my developing music tastes. I believe the reason that my tastes have strayed from the likes of Jay-Z and LP is because I'm actually getting more involved with the messages and themes of lyrics. Weird, I know. Suddenly I'm not content to listen to music that obviously has no feeling in it, and is just a good beat with good vocals. Linkin Park was my first step towards this- While they're lyrics are raw, unoriginal, and virtually meaningless in the context of the band, I went to them because of they offered more extreme emotions than other bands, and thus were more interesting. But behind these emotions was nothing, it was just scream to scream. Which is fun sometimes. But one reason I really like State Radio (and really like a handful of Rage songs) is that there is actually significance to what's being said. It's not the same old crap about love that we've heard a million times to. Somehow, even though we're being force-fed the same love spiels over and over, we still revel in it like the media wants us to (Bullets in our heads?) I'm not denying that many love songs are musically satisfying as far as beat and instrumentals go, but eventually I came to realize that I took almost no pleasure in singing along to them. The same goes for shallow themes of sex and drugs (Jay-Z, and the rap generation he spawned). I'm not saying these aren't legitimate subjects (Actually, I sorta am saying that about sex and drugs), but they've been beat to death.
So why is political music any different? Well, on the surface it has major differences just because of the vocabulary used (gone are the days of albums riddled with personal pronouns "need", "want", "love", and other cliché words, and in are "The capital is crowded with effigies", "what we don't know keeps the contracts alive and moving", and my favorite “No battleship too big for your war emporium/ It's give it all ya got son, and go back to where you're from/ We're hiding in the weeks, we're the super neocons/ 'Cuz we got bombs, and they got BARRELS of gasoline". Okay, honestly the only reason I wrote that whole thing out was to unnecessarily rub the "barrels" thing in Koop's face again.
In any case, political music is far more interesting, for while it maintains the same themes of rebellion and disappointment, its content drastically changes over short periods of time (Rage lines like "More For Gore or the son of a drug lord", referencing the 2000 election, and SR's "Guantanamo"). In this case I believe being dated is a good thing, it allows for the genre of political music to constantly evolve as the world changes, and in retrospect the dated songs still hold meaning and important themes. Needless to say, politics change a bit more often than love. The political horse is far from being dead, and much further from being beat.
I realize that most people will retort that the way music sounds is the only important part, but recently I've felt like a mindless zombie listening to love songs, as they seem so superficial. It's actually weird, because all of the political music I listen to (not much, unfortunately) is drastically liberal, and I don't usually share its opinions. But it is intellectually stimulation nonetheless. So if you like music just for the way it sounds, cool. I'm just personally on a rant about it (Also, it may just be that love songs find no meaning until you're smitten, but they haven't worked for me in my times of smittenness).

Wow, that was a terrible Thanks to Jay-Z. Oh well, my other plan was to write my own version of "December 4th" with pretend quotes from my mother about my childhood, but me writing a rap would not turn out well. Be thankful. In any case, you rock, HOVA.

So apparently SCUMM and my good friends Guybrush Threepwood, Elaine, LeChuck and gang are now on the iPhone in some weird mini-game or something. It still doesn't make me want an iPhone, but it makes me miss my Monkey terribly. MI5 soon, please? Or at least start working on it.

With some adjective,


MMMMMM...Look at that bacon sizzle!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Rare is Loco

Of course, we already knew this, what with Diddy Kong Racing being a layered, seemingly never-ending endeavor. But the level to which they are crazy (brilliant) is even depthier than we imagined.
This post pretty much goes against everything I said about Banjo Kazooie in the last post; I don’t actually have that much against the game, I just think it’s the best game to make fun of, what with it being about a bear with a bird in his packpack who fights ugly runts of enemies and collects golden jigsaw pieces so as to defeat an evil witch. Oh yeah, and the game’s equivalent of Toad is a fat, short-sighted mole named Bottles. So yeah, pretty much prime mocking material.
In any case, it was a half decent game. However, in traditional Rare style, it was also an evil, mean game. Not in the way of Diddy Kong, mind you, where they lure in children with fuzzy woodland creature characters and then pound out their hopes of there being good in the world by making the game mercilessly hard. While still involving a cast of cute creatures, Banjo Kazooie is actually a rather easy game if you just want to defeat Gruntilda (the equivalent of the Final Bowser) without getting 100 jigsaws (I refuse to call them “Jiggies”). However, Rare has a habit of making games go far beyond the seeming end of the game (Future Fun Land, Adventure 2), and Banjo was no exception.
Seeing as I am likely the only one among us who has ever played Banjo Kazooie/Tooie, I’ll take a moment to detail the scenario so you, too, can appreciate the revelations I have recently have.
Banjo Kazooie was of the generation of N64 games directly based of Mario 64. It follows the formula invented by the N64 platformer: One huge playing field (once again a castle, albeit a much less loveable, asthaetically pleasing one) in which several sub-worlds are contained, and in each sub-world there are a handful of Jigsaws (stars) which can be found. Several Jigsaws (Stars) can also be found in Gruntilda’s (Peach’s) lair (castle).
One of these subworlds is beach-themed, and in one part of the sub-world is a sand castle. Upon entering the sand castle, Banjo finds that the floor is made up of tiles, each with a letter on it (there are many repeating letters for convenience). As I recall, one of the Jigsaws in that particular sub-world involved a character telling you a code, which you ground-pounded (ground-pounded) in proper sequence, opening a cage at the back of the room which held a Jigsaw. Many of us took this Jigsaw to be the sand castle’s sole purpose, and went on with our lives (meaning the rest of the game).
Later in the game is a snow-based sub-world. In this sub-world is a cave which a walrus resides in. There is another, smaller cave opening in the wall. When you enter, you see a key made of ice right in front of you. It is huge, and therefore, by the laws of video games, must be important. You walk forward, but meet an impenetrable glass wall. America utters it’s first “WTF?” of Banjo Kazooie.Bummer.
Now, let’s say you get all 100 Jigsaws in the game. Apparently, Mumbo Jumbo (A Wizard-esque character) then shows you the location of two huge eggs that you should find in the game. If you do so, nothing happens. America utters its second “What the Fuck?” of Banjo Kazooie.

Jump to Banjo Tooie. About halfway through the game, you encounter a large vault made of ice with a KEY HOLE. There is NO WAY to open this vault. America is pissed off. Apparently, N64s retain the memory of the game you were just playing for 60 seconds after the game is turned off. The rumor was that N64 had created a “Stop ‘N Swop” in Banjo Kazooie, a point at which you could, if you had the ice key (How?), turn off your N64, insert Tooie, and have the ice key. This rumor was completely unfounded back in 2002, when I played the games.

Then I found this last night.

Let me explain what you just saw. Prior to the beginning of this video, this player had gone to the sand castle and entered the code “NOWYOUCANSEEANICEICEKEYWHICHYOUCANHAVEFORFREE”
This code was not known when I played the game, not given in guides, and is noticeably long. How could someone have guessed it? Someone at Rare must’ve slipped.
After entering this code, the sheet of glass in the walrus cave disappeared, and the key was theirs.
Next, the eggs. Mumbo shows you two at the end of the game, but these two do nothing. Why? Because Rare was a pest and made six eggs appear at the end of the game, and only told you about two. We see this gamer get all of the eggs, and miraculously find the “Stop ‘N Swop” given the vague clues like “in the castle”. They turn off the game when told to, and insert Tooie. There is an error.

At this point, Rare announced that their idea to transfer the key and eggs to Tooie was true, but that Nintendo shot it down when Tooie was made, so while there was a “Stop ‘N Swop” in Kazooie, the transfer in the end was futile. However, Rare was trying to pull a fast one on us. Here is a video of Banjo Tooie, irrefutable proof of the key and eggs transfer.

Okay, I’m really immature to have enjoyed that, but whatever. The truth is the idea really was canned in Tooie production. But the intricacy of Banjo Kazooie is astounding, and secrets that take years to discover (especially with all the gamer geeks out there in the world) are evidence of devoted designers. I guess this’ll inevitably be a game soon to appear in my “epically revisited games”, and maybe I’ll have to go against my ways and finish the insufferably boring DK64 (Video game slut?).

So maybe Luigi is in 64.

Just kidding.

On the Family Guy note, I love the expression on Stewie’s face whenever he’s in a shot, and two other people are having a conversation in front of him. The artists make no effort to make it look like he is mentally present, he’s just staring off, eyelids half-closed. Check it out sometime.


Rock and Roll Jesus With A Cowboy Mouth

Sunday, December 02, 2007

How to Get Luigi in Mario 64

This is a very complicated process. However, I have tested it myself and it is 100% reliable. After trying the toilet tactic, I was discouraged. I thought, though, that if the creator of that theory were right about Luigi coming from a shithole, he may be found in the game Banjo Kazooie. Have patience and I, Pilot Power Master Stee- Er, I mean, OSK, guarantee you will find Luigi.
Turn on Banjo Kazooie, and start a file under the name of Nicolas Cage. After the intro video, head directly to the garden with the dancing vegetables. Kill one carrot, then 2 broccoli, then two carrots, and the vegetables will suddenly follow you wherever you go. Next, proceed to run around the mountain Eleventeen thousand times. The vegetables will start to dance with each other. The vegetables will then tell you the location of the secret passage into the witch's lair. The passage will take you to the ice key. Also in the room will be Diddy Kong. He is a good friend of yours, but he is still wearing the belly shirt, so you ignore him. Now, get ready. The moment you touch the ice key, slam the Banjo Tooie cartridge into the N64, obliterating the Banjo Kazooie cartridge. You now have approximately a minute and a half before your N64 explodes, so get to the Ice Vault quickly. Open it, and you will find a hologram of Luigi saying "Help me Banjo Kazooie, you're my only hope.
Now, your N64 has undoubtedly killed someone by now due to the overheating which has occurred from shards of Banjo Kazooie being in its electronics, so buy a new one. Before you take it home, take it to whoever sold you your supscription to "Highlights" magazine, and have them give their blessing. If you do not subscribe to "Highlights", this will not work.
Now you are ready for the final stage. Insert Super Mario 64 into your new, blessed N64 and find 307 and a half coins in Dire, Dire Docks. The ice key will drop out of midair. Take it to the black room of death. You will find it inescapable. Now cry, for you have wasted your time, and finding Luigi only works for those who have lives, which you obviously do not.

Once again, I have tried this and it is absolutely flawless. I give you my word.

-I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush Heli- Er, OSK

That's not cool, he ripped of the toilet joke. How unoriginal.

Crescent Island=Sweet

First allow me to proudly introduce DrK's new blog, "Cut Down on the Alfredo Sauce", URL (Also located now on my side-bar). This brainchild is a concept blog, focusing on our soon-to-occur adventures in mass videogaming. It's full of ancient (1980s Donkey Kong) jokes you won't get and references to characters you've never heard of; what's not to love?
In the spirit of blogs being born and withering, I was rereading some old "Breakfast With Friends" and "Seventh Notion" posts last night, pathetically realizing that I remember, in crystal quality, all of the inside jokes which have been made and slipped away in the last couple of years. What really interested me, though, were the comments that we left on these posts, as they show the different dynamics of the friend group as things went on. I laughed when I got to the one post J_Verts made where I sent him about 4 angry comments, and deleted them all in embarassment, only to learn that all of those comments were in his email...Awkward. Also, I love when the occassional anonymous user comments on one of our posts, taking our humor much too seriously, and the rest of us are left wondering "Who the hell was that?"
The posts themselves were quite interesting, as I noticed a definite increase in quality of my and J_Verts blogging skill as time went on. Gradually, gone were the days of blogging about how we didn't have anything to blog about and why we wonder why we have a blog anyway, and suddenly we were having fun with it, noticeably anyway.
I have to give J_Verts props, at this point, for initiating the blogging craze in the friend group. It has proved to be an excellent means of communication now that many of us are apart, and even when we weren't it was endlessly (Okay, mildly) amusing.
Now, I know starting a blog doesn't require a ton of work, actually, it is often the product of being too lazy to do other, more productive things. Nevertheless, it has gotten me thinking about the effort required to start something. One thing that made me quite sad while I read our past posts (I didn't read all of them, by the way, I'm not that much of a loser/ have that much time on my hands) was the number of times we came up with epic plans (Road trip?) and then quickly watched it fall through the cracks. I was talking to Donald Duck (the guy some of us know who quacks) the other day, and he said something that really epitomized all of my lost ambitions. " I can stand up in front of the business and make promise after promise. I can have all the ideas in the world, and they'll love me for it. But eventually, they come to me and say 'Mr. [Duck], where's everything you promised us?' You (Referring to me) might be a conceptual guy, but it's the execution that matters when push comes to shove". And it's the execution that I never provide. So, then, I challenge myself- This summer, do the play thing. And I will, because even if it crashes and burns, I'll feel ten times better than if I'd put it off until it was too late.

Determined and Crazed,


Timba got owned...But 5 more T.T.s down!

Don't save it for another day.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

A World Of Green (Journal Entry #1 of Pilot Power Master Steel Crash HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros)

I awake. Cold steel curdles the blood gushing from my wounded forehead. I use my totallysuperawesome biceps to hoist myself up and grab the pilot's chair. The room spins, I fear I may keel over again, but use the seatback for support, and instead vomit all over the body on the floor. Body? I hadn't noticed that before. I'm heartbroken to discover that my co-pilot, but suppress my misery so as to assess my situation. The inside of the copter looks to be completely unharmed, puzzling, as the trauma to my head suggests that we'd collided with something. Maybe we were just thrown around a lot.
Before I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crash HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, go on, perhaps I should go back a bit. Maybe it'll help me fill in the blanks.
I was flying a mission across the ocean with Co-Pilot Redshirt. The Anti-England-Wrestler-Transformer rebels known as the "Bad Guys" had been bombing our English Wrestler-Transformer descendant military camps for some time. As far as we know, these attacks were completely uninstigated. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crash HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, have no idea why they would house so much hate against the descendants of the Gods, the English Wrestler-Transformers. Not knowing where the rebels came from or who they were, my commanding officer assigned me, Pilot Power Master Steel Crash HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, and my co-pilot captain Redshirt, to pursue their fighters after they attempted to attack our weapons arrays. We (Myself, Pilot Power Master Steel Crash HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, and my co-pilot) followed them into the Bermuda Triangle, where our sensor readings became skewed and incoherent. I assume that this was the result of some jamming by the Anti-England-Wrestler-Transformer Rebels (The Bad Guys), as they would likely need to use backhanded tactics to thwart a member of the famous RazorClaw Cerebros family, especially one of the rank Pilot Power Master Steel Crush. My co-pilot believed that it was the result of the mysterious happenings of the Bermuda Triangle as told in legend, but I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, do not believe in such things. At this time there was a large commotion, the copter spun out of control, there was a flash of bright light, and I awoke.
Having recalled these events, I do not feel that I have uncovered any more truths. I now go over to the front of the copter, where everything seems to be in order. Suddenly I freeze in astonishment, for out the windshield I see something so surreal that even I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, cannot comprehend it. For beyond the glass lies a gaping blackness, rivaled only by the solid see of lime green which lies below and above me. Managing to come back to my senses, I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, attempt to get the navigation system working, but the screen only reads Distance: 0. Best: 2995. Click and hold the throttle to go up. Release to go down. Click to start. I am perplexed, the copter seems to be suspended in midair, though the motor is not on. I use the radio to try to make contact with someone, but to no avail. The controls call to me, I have no other choice, unless I plan to die taking no action. I, Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros, start the engine. My finger hovers over the throttle. I press it, and my distance on the screen increases as I progress forward. I see a block of the green mass at Distance 39. I think I should avoid it.

-Pilot Power Master Steel Crush HeliCyrus RazorClaw Cerebros

OSK's doing okay, too.

Friday, November 30, 2007

An Actor Among Musicians/ Winter Wonder Why

12 days, 30 days
Yesterday was the first music-oriented rehearsal of this year's Dramat foray into the silly world of musical theater. I consider it a gift from a higher power that the dance teachers couldn't get their act together enough to actually hold dance auditions like last year, as the audition would no doubt prove to be a disaster for me again. Given the chance to cast me now, I believe the dance teachers would probably give me the role of Asssistant Assistant Stage Manager (That's code for cut). You see, it's apparently not bad enough that I suck at dancing, but I am the only person in the cast who does. While everyone stage-fell UL, I decided UR would be great, and when we were supposed to slowly trudge across the stage (a fairly simple move), I once again decided to move against the current of dancers. It really is just directional problems, though honestly I think we all kinda look like morons.
It's always puzzled me why people enjoy seeing musicals. The acting is exaggerated; all of the characters are sterotypical, 2-dimensional cardboard cutouts of people who feel love, anger, and despair exactly when predicted. And rarely do you ever find a popular musical with actual substance as far as plot goes, because once again, it seems to be cliche after cliche. And then of course, the dancing. The only real reason I can see people going to musicals for is the singing, but showtunes have never been my cup of tea.
So why do I go out for musicals? I love to act, and fool myself into thinking that there will be any substancial acting in the show. Sure, I've got a respectable amount of lines, but within those lines lies no more character than could be held in a thimble (No bigger than a thimble, but still plenty good AAAAA, It's okay). The point is, as I face yet another winter, I am once again reminded of how much I dislike everything about the season.
No sport worth playing, a dramat production that always dissapoints yet I can't stay away from, and of course the bleakness of the season. I never really understood why some people like winter. All of my pleasurable senses seem to be canned and muted. Congestion forbids smell, numbness touch, my eyes don't want to see the blanket of white which has deteriorated into a half-snow, half-mud eyesore, and I don't feel that I have anything to focus on save for school (Ew). All I can say is, I hope my hobbies can keep me going until March.


Holy crap, that still says "There's A Man On the Wing".

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Meaning of Life (A Reimagining)

I think we can all agree that, at least to a slight degree (In my opinion to a fairly radical one) I have changed a bit as a person since Tuesday, June 13, 2006. This has certainly been reflected in my blogging, which I'd like to say has increased in quality, and hopefully in intrigue (This wouldn't be a huge feat, as I'm fairly sure my original posts had about the level of intrigue of a zombie lemon ( endlessly amusing, but definitely embarassing in retrospect...Wait, who am I kidding? The zombie lemon was awesome). I find it interesting that something that started so crumby, a place where I could simply make jokes with my friends, give them shout outs, and be weird, has managed to develop into a place where I can actually write my thoughts, while still goofing around with you guys (Because that's really the important part, isn't it?). I just had somewhat of a realization that this is an issue of depth developing from shallowness; talk about a one-track mind. But after I've brought up the idea of isolation time and time again since that one post, I fear I may've killed it to some degree. Okay, I never could really kill it since it's so awesome, but it didn't make for good post diversity. Thus, I'm not going to cram this Sam Shepard philosophy down your throat again until I actually have something good to say about it. Wow, digression.
In any case, I'd like to change my established views on the meaning of life, and, consequently, the mentality which is Peace, Love, and Star Trek (the idea, not the blog). My stated pupose in my original post was to spread hope regarding unity in the world, through the philosophy of Peace, Love, and Star Trek (Star Trek being representative of togetherness). But as my blog has matured, it has strayed from its original didactic intent, and focuses on my perception of the world. And if that helps you, great. If you hate my writing, fine. If you're just in it for the occasional laugh, cool, thats awesome. But don't think I'm in here with some higher agenda anymore. Really, I'm just here to chill.


Only signing his name once.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

So Much For No Grand Metaphors

It could be said that the youth of America are shallow and unappreciative of true literary art, for the likes of visually stunning and sexually titillating material has become the main appeal for many of them to watch television or catch a movie. Many would argue that it is so often the case that a teenager buys his way into a flick just so that he may see a gorey torture scene or attractive actress, only to find that he’s also accidentally stumbled upon a literarily respectable plot with engaging characters as well. This may not even be exclusive to youth, as I’ve seen many a thirty-year-old (Okay, a few) with mouths agape in a blast-filled action movie. So is it a good thing that such bait is being used, as it is the only way to stimulate some people’s minds with a layered story? Well, I’m not really terribly interested in discussing that. My point, really, is that this cycle of dangling the shallow themes of plots (Examples being special affects and sex appeal, both of which are immediately visually rewarding, but don’t have the lasting rewarding effect that good stories do) is something which is generally frowned upon. It’s come to be known as selling out.
I used to agree with this idea, the notion that authors and directors and playwrights even, go for a cheap sell. But as I research the playwright/actor Sam Shepard, and think of his life and works in relation to the script that I plan on getting on its feet in the coming days, I am beginning to see that this “soft sell” is more an idea, an image, which captures an idea in the writer’s head.
I hope you’re still with me here; I know I don’t always make the most sense ever. But I have recently come to a realization: All of my more layered story ideas stem not from themes of human being, nor from delves into the psyche, but rather from shallow ideas. J-Verts and Koops know that my most recent story idea does have fairly developed characters. They are not completely fleshed out, but they are a start, and I would like to think that they are promising building blocks for a solid two-act play. Their interaction is somewhat compelling, filled with deceit towards one another and inward deceit, as well as reluctant affections which ultimately make the fruition of the plot all the more unbearable for those involved. I think I can safely call the plot as it is right now not shallow without sounding full of myself.
However, it did not start like this. My entire idea stemmed from “How cool would it be if 3 thieves robbed the same house, and like, clashed?” I was not so much interested in the characters as I was in their conflict. I was enthralled, like a child, in pure violence of three thieves pitted against one another. Only the actual act of outlining the plot brings about any sense of character in my stories. The characters come about, not by my choice, but by necessity. For, unfortunately, a play rarely happens well without characters. Because I did not plan for these characters to be in the plot, they are completely new to me when my pen touches paper, and I see them as if I were an audience with no previous knowledge. On this subject I then leave you with no didactic instruction or broad, intelligent connection, but rather a question: Can depth spring from shallowness? Does depth only ever spring from shallowness?
On the topic of Shepard, I do hold hope that my methods are tried and true, though not tried by me. A particular quote of his resonated with me: “…I don’t want to be a playwright, I want to be a rock and roll star. I want that understood right off…Writing is neat because you do it on a very physical level. Just like rock and roll. A lot of people think playwrights [have] special answers to special problems that confront the world at large. I think that’s a crock of shit. When you write a play you work out like a musician on a piece of music. You find all the rythyms and the melodies and the harmonies and take them as they come.

So much for theory.”

The level at which I relate to these statements is chilling to me. Shepard was fascinated by cliches such as cowboys and rock stars. He wrote handfuls of plays about modern or authentic cowboys, milking the idea of the showdown for all it was worth. In the way I was fascinated with clashing robbers, so I believe Shepard had been enveloped in his childhood fantasies of gunslinging outcasts who had a way with women and a quick draw for whoever wanted to meet him at high noon. Yet from these cliches he drew revolutionary characters and stories. I have had a long-time dream of being in a rock band someday. And not a band like you see mostly- One vocalist, one guitarist, one bassist, one drummer. I want to be in a band where everyone can do all of that and does do all of that. I want a band which is perfect blending.
Such is the nature of my ideal play. No character stands out as serving a particular role in the story, all are there to be the story, because the story turns out the same every time, and no matter how many bass intros or guitar and drum solos you have, the same song is being played the whole time. And the end of a play, just like when I get to the end of “Right Me Up” or “Flying Horses” is something brilliantly pretty and unexpected, but at the same time it all makes sense and you just see that it just couldn’t end any other way.

That would’ve been a great ending line…but I’ve got more to say.

Rockers jam, How do you jam as a playwright? You do what Sam Shepard did- You write plays literally by the dozen, you don’t rewrite unless you damn well feel like it, and you just keep writing until your whole life story is written out in your plays, told through different characters, and until everything that you ever wondered about is wondered about in every possible way by your choice cast. I agree that those “special answers” are a “crock of shit”. Good playwrights don’t try to fix the world at large, they try to fix their world, their person. And if someone in the audience wants to take that to mean we should pull out of Vietnam, good for them, the tool I used to clean my conscience is your tool for stopping bloodshed.
Most importantly, what I said about characters emerging to me for the first time is exactly what Shepard is saying about the melodies and rythyms emerging,and letting them emerge as they will. It’s like when the ancients invented the Pegasus Replicators- You build some little monomers, and before you know it you’ve got a beautiful city you hadn’t ever pictured.

Your frustrated musician,


Except that it wouldn't be a city full of human-forms who wnated to kill you.


It’s official- Live blogging will occur for both Sunshine and Galaxy. Likely hourly updates, so as to create a disgusting and completely unappealing (in its enormity) mass of posts. 14 days, and 32 days.


The forty minutes spent on this post could’ve been better applied to my homework. Oh well.


Sharkbelly jelly. Heh.