Sunday, July 26, 2009

Rope-A-Dope. Emphasis on the Dope.

I lied. I didn't leave the room. I briefly wonder why the wizard is just walking around in this chamber. I mean, dude, you can come with me. Power in numbers and whatnot. And you're obviously passionate about the cause. Come to think of it, it's kind of a dick move to take this cause you feel so strongly about and pawn it off on some stranger. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about benevolence. And watches. But don't you think you're kinda taking advantage of my kindly spirit? Pokey, go ahead and add the "pass-off" to that cliche site you like.
I've left the room. I appear to have been in some sort of tower that disappears off the top of the screen. Now I'm in "the woods". Which is to say a clearing. No woods around me have such convenient perimeters and wide-open centers. I investigate the darker-shaded grass. It's just like all the other grass.
I was told to go East, so naturally I advance on the apparent exit to the South. I want to see the extent of the programming of this game, which as I have defensively said already I admire no matter how much I bash it.
HOLY SHIT enemies. I don't have a weapon as far as I know. This is probably the game's way of telling me "Don't go here yet."
I forgot to pause while I typed. I got stabbed to death. Obviously shouldn't go there yet. But I'm pissed off. I'm gonna go where I damn well please.
BlahblahblahDiscoBandits door opens yay. I just accidentally walked into the wiz again and heard him say "We must recover the vinyl pentagram!" I find it funny that anyone should ever say we must do such an absurd thing, so I walk into him several more times. Nope, not getting old. I briefly wonder whether I can possibly rope-a-dope him against the wall to elicit this dialogue repeatedly. I try.
Fuck he got away. I've got to get him into that little niche between the barrels. Motherfucker his movement is so erratic its pissing me off. I will get this. Fuck he was right under it then he walked away. This will be my Penultimate Fantasy (Adventure) Victory lap. Even so, I make him say it one more time. I laugh.
South Again! Superdodge the two natives with spears. Their eyes are red, which makes me wonder if they are the Satanic Disco Bandits. Which would be a bummer, seeing as I always assumed they would be my friends. I go East to find a bee, and then South. More crazy natives. Is this terrain relevant to the gameplay or just here to punish those of us who don't do what the wizard says? Natives kill me. Fuck this.


I actually like Dane Cook...mostly.

Crap I Just Realized the Fortune Cookie is Relevant And In No Way Witty

First room, first thoughts. I have so many keypad options, and nothing to do with them. I feel like Link without his sword. Except less gay. I talk to the wizard looking fellow. What do you know? He talks exactly like Flappers does when he imitates people. I begin to think that maybe I'm too close to this game to fairly judge it. So apparently an ancient evil, long asleep, has risen in the North. My money's on dragon. Or retarded golden chicken that I can throw a saddle on and win the game. Both sound equally make-fun-of-able. I begin to wonder if I'm being too harsh, then realize that I'm just bitter that I have no talents to speak of that produce concrete results for posterity, save for hand-held camcorder videos of me dancing around and singing onstage. Continuing the theme of gay.
And just because I want to feel like I'm writing a lot, let's side track for a moment on the topic of posterity. I once spoke to J_Verts about how I have a wishful feeling that all good times in the past are somehow still going on, constantly replaying themselves in some capacity somehow in this reality. For the most part I feel this way about the Triangle. I once had a vision that I would procure a protege (the Swankinator?) as if the Triangle had started some undying chain of good times. I now understand that this self-absorbed fantasy is just that, and that everything we leave behind is left behind. I entertain the thought that someday, for some reason, someone our age (protege-esque) will retrace our steps and make of us what they can. I imagine they would find our blogs, likely their main source of information, as well as possibly our school records and yearbooks, but what else? Would they find Penultimate Fantasy? And better yet, could Penutimate Fantasy (the creation by two thirds, the playing and live blogging by one third) prove to be one of those nuggets of good times that somehow constantly replays itself over and over? Press any key to find out, I suppose.
Disco Bandits. I ejaculate. It is messy. I am in my family room. I struggle to hide it, shifting a pillow over my not so ugly uglies. Distracted by my new plight, I temporarily forget about its cause, turn back to my laptop screen
And ejaculate
Perhaps it's time to enter the world of parodying the parody of the parody, as I see PF ejaculation as more a shoot-off (hehe) of Suspenders than the original. Speaking of meta.
Images flash through my mind of wholly uninteresting stick figures from the Kingdom of Loathing ( and of extremely unattractive yet dashing Star Trek uniforms. I imagine our protege-stalker will someday uncover those photographs and be frightened and confused, perhaps abandoning their investigation. The protege is male, by the way. Girls are icky. If you can't already tell, I'm attempting to blog a lot about this short ass-game by sidetracking as much as possible. I fear Flap and Poke are glowering at me for not respecting their material. And so I move past the third text box.
Shit, what key is back? I was so overwhelmed by a DB name-drop that I forgot what was said about them. Doubtless I am doomed to now never figure this game out.
Disco Bandit relic must mean Star Trek get-up. Im in.
I have already fallen into a game of trying to figure out from whom specific ideas in this game originated. In most cases I assume one programmer conceived the idea and the other readily approved, but I can't help but wonder where these seeds of concept sprung up. I know Disco Bandits must have been Flapjack, readily approved in the defense of Pokey. But "vinyl pentagram"? Aside from being insulted by the fact that anything remotely satanic would ever be associated with the Disco Bandits, I cannot place this one's conception. When I think absurdity, both programmers come to mind. Their styles, however, are different. Pokey's absurd contradictions tend to be humorous in and of themselves, a self-sustaining giggle, whereas Flapjack's absurd contradictions usually make extremely little sense upon first introduction, to be later revealed as a reference or a running gag. If there is no development of this idea, I am stumped. No doubt I'm also being thrown off by the fact that I've never heard either of them use the word "vinyl". I stifle my curiosity, as I should probably get through the game's initial text.
(Pause)Bunnies=Pokey. He talks that way. Whereas "there may yet be hope" is Flap. Boy am I going to look like a fool if it turns out one of you did all of the dialogue.
Free of that wonderful conversation, I prepare to investigate this initial chamber. I am left to wonder how it is I got here. This is in no way a logical place for any normal person to be, as it looks like a dungeon and even for a dungeon is sparse on the decor. And who is my character? A shady individual for sure, what with the indoor sunglasses and whatnot. The long coat makes me feel like I should be hiding in city allies, popping out to assault helpless passerby with my business of selling used wristwatches out of the inside of my jacket. Come to think of it, the supreme sketchiness of my appearance makes the fact that I'm in such a sketchy place less unbelievable. Maybe wizards need watches too.
I awkwardly push my body against the table and all the barrels in the room. Thanks for not giving those any purpose, guys. Now the wiz just saw me run-humping every item in sight. I'm gonna leave this room.


You guys are so thinking "this is going to take FOREVER." Yeah, it is.

I Don't Know What I'm Talking About

What may lie ahead me as I stare at the title screen of “Penultimate Fantasy”? Groundbreaking, enthralling gameplay? A plot that will have me on the edge of my seat?
I briefly consider the money I could make from exposing the homage copyright infringement to the boys at Square Enix, but I realize that I am imminently going to acquire food and I am really too lazy.
I am really trying hard to envision what I am about to experience. To “call it” if you will. My sparing memories of the few Final Fantasy games I have played (or seen played) consist of navigating through unbearably large, complex, maze-like areas which are doubtless the result of programmers with too much time and money and consequently getting terribly lost in said environments. I sure hope the mysterious programmers of PF don’t get off on the idea of silly-looking protagonists racing retarded-looking golden mutant chickens.
I take these expectations derived from the original and drop them down a level. Or ten. No offense QR9, if you printed out the code to this game, ground the paper into a powder, snorted it, puked it, fed the puke to the neighborhood dog and then collected the resulting feces 19 hours thereafter the result would likely be something more genius than anything I will ever attempt to program.
And about the QR9 thing- Can these LOTR junkies stop making obscure Middle Earth references like “Queen’s Rook Nine”? Believe me J_Vert (sometimes from herein referred to as “Flapjack” for my faithful blogging audience. Also, DrK= Pokey, in honor of the probably mentally handicapped horse bitch sidekick of the world’s most justifiably humble protagonist- Gumby), you don’t have the hair growth to be a hobbit.
Long story short, I’m ready to be wowed by your game and just wanted to take any opportunity to bash Final Fantasy unfairly based on the limited exposure to it I’ve had.
And the title screen leaves me to wonder two things-
1. How or will this game parallel FF?
1b. What do I care seeing as I don’t even know a damn thing about FF?
2. How the hell can I keep readers interested when I’m already rambling just looking at the title screen.
Some deeper analysis of the screen itself-
Really feeling making some bucks off turning these guys in. My main issue with the title screen is the “T” in “Fantasy”. It’s not a bad touch, guys, it just reminds me of insects and medieval crucifix representations, two things that I’ve always found gross for reasons I will probably never understand. The second one is especially perplexing.
I think some higher power has been pressuring me to face my aversion to insects as of late, as I keep feeling that random items resemble them. For example, the glasses at significant other’s (Fuck no nickname)(wait.Tiger.duh[also can we consider the fact that I never even gave her Tigress…]) house have a 3-dimensional glass design greatly resembling the Fantasy “T”. I will not drink out of them. I will not tell her why.
Um, so I guess I should start playing. I promise I’ll talk more about your game when I have more to work with than the opening screen.


And now, finally I will admit that I know QR9 to be a Star Trek reference. Just wanted to piss you off.