Sunday, July 26, 2009

I Don't Know What I'm Talking About

What may lie ahead me as I stare at the title screen of “Penultimate Fantasy”? Groundbreaking, enthralling gameplay? A plot that will have me on the edge of my seat?
I briefly consider the money I could make from exposing the homage copyright infringement to the boys at Square Enix, but I realize that I am imminently going to acquire food and I am really too lazy.
I am really trying hard to envision what I am about to experience. To “call it” if you will. My sparing memories of the few Final Fantasy games I have played (or seen played) consist of navigating through unbearably large, complex, maze-like areas which are doubtless the result of programmers with too much time and money and consequently getting terribly lost in said environments. I sure hope the mysterious programmers of PF don’t get off on the idea of silly-looking protagonists racing retarded-looking golden mutant chickens.
I take these expectations derived from the original and drop them down a level. Or ten. No offense QR9, if you printed out the code to this game, ground the paper into a powder, snorted it, puked it, fed the puke to the neighborhood dog and then collected the resulting feces 19 hours thereafter the result would likely be something more genius than anything I will ever attempt to program.
And about the QR9 thing- Can these LOTR junkies stop making obscure Middle Earth references like “Queen’s Rook Nine”? Believe me J_Vert (sometimes from herein referred to as “Flapjack” for my faithful blogging audience. Also, DrK= Pokey, in honor of the probably mentally handicapped horse bitch sidekick of the world’s most justifiably humble protagonist- Gumby), you don’t have the hair growth to be a hobbit.
Long story short, I’m ready to be wowed by your game and just wanted to take any opportunity to bash Final Fantasy unfairly based on the limited exposure to it I’ve had.
And the title screen leaves me to wonder two things-
1. How or will this game parallel FF?
1b. What do I care seeing as I don’t even know a damn thing about FF?
2. How the hell can I keep readers interested when I’m already rambling just looking at the title screen.
Some deeper analysis of the screen itself-
Really feeling making some bucks off turning these guys in. My main issue with the title screen is the “T” in “Fantasy”. It’s not a bad touch, guys, it just reminds me of insects and medieval crucifix representations, two things that I’ve always found gross for reasons I will probably never understand. The second one is especially perplexing.
I think some higher power has been pressuring me to face my aversion to insects as of late, as I keep feeling that random items resemble them. For example, the glasses at significant other’s (Fuck no nickname)(wait.Tiger.duh[also can we consider the fact that I never even gave her Tigress…]) house have a 3-dimensional glass design greatly resembling the Fantasy “T”. I will not drink out of them. I will not tell her why.
Um, so I guess I should start playing. I promise I’ll talk more about your game when I have more to work with than the opening screen.

-OSK

And now, finally I will admit that I know QR9 to be a Star Trek reference. Just wanted to piss you off.

3 comments:

justifiably_vertical said...

I have to admit that, though I conceived of the name "Queen's Rook 9" last fall, I only just now had it explained to me how it's a ST reference.

Spooky?

dr_koopon said...

Technically its a satire of Final Fantasy Adventure, which is very different in gameplay compared to every other Final Fantasy game ever made.

Not that you'd know the difference, so whatever.

The Juicy One said...

As for the medival cross aversion- many people get so caught up in the religious imagery that they forget they're essentially looking at a Roman torcher and execution device. Might contribute. Just saying.

Oh, and I'd actually really like a copy of this shit...