The Race

It always seems enough in my mind to tell myself that I'm going to kick ass, to convince myself that I'm going to see a guy, pass a guy, see a guy, pass a guy. In recent weeks I have come to question not only if I am mistkaen in this (which I have long suspected) but completely and utterly wrong about it. We're always told that there is a large mental component to running, but I am either not at all effected by this component or terrible at achieving it well. Mentally, I'm about as tough as a three-year-old. You know, one of those annoying three-year-olds who acts like they're made of steel and then cries without forseeable end when they got knocked down. I can tell myself that ass will be kicked, and that's all well and good, but it doesn't change the fact that when I get out on the course I'm inwardly yelling onscenities at myself by 3/4 of a mile in.
I've been almost privileged, in the past, to be a mediocre runner on a fairly mediocre team, as I had the wonderful ability to look good even if I had a terrible race. Back when I ran 22-minute races, I was capable of running 21s, but would sometimes only run a 21:55 and get showered with praise by team and family. One thing that never made sense to me was why "PRing" is treated with the same degree of awe and congradulation no matter what your skill level is. Runners who consistently run under 19 or 20 minutes are heavily praised for their PRs, with good reason. But at the same time, the runner like me, who used to run slower than he was capable, was praised the same amount for not nearly giving his all. And then of course there are those (can we even call them runners?) who don't give half a shit about XC and recieve the same amount of praise for PRing just because they decided to try that day. In this way I've been spoiled, as any small improvements I made in the past warrented celebration. But now I find myself possibly (hopefully not) beginning to touch an actual plateau. I'm not getting slower, but everyone else is getting faster, and now people think I'm not giving it my all because I'm behind those I used to beat.
The issue is, then, how do I improve? I run hard at practice all week, I train in the offseason, I eat well, I hydrate, but I lack the mental edge I'd like to think I used to have but know I didn't. I fear the pain, but I also fear the defeat. I can't do it again. I have to win this one for my own self-esteem. So, pain, I have but one thing to offer you: Let this be our final battle.

-OSK

Do I need a cookie for this one? That ending line was pretty sick...